Dear Mom

I kept thinking
I wish I knew what you smelled like.

I wish I knew
what your touch felt like
so I knew
what it felt like
to be protected
like I mattered to you.

Instead
I spent years dreaming about it.

Dreaming about being tucked into bed.
A kiss on my cheek.
Hearing “I love you.”
Hearing “I’ll always protect you.”

But instead
I remember feeling like you chose other people over me.
Again and again.

And after awhile
that kind of pain
turns into anger.

Turns into hate.

Not because I never loved you,
but because I wanted your love so badly
and kept feeling like I came second to everyone else.

I wish when you left for work
you would’ve turned around
just once
to wave goodbye to me.

Something small.
Something that made me feel seen.

Now I sit here
realizing I spent most of my life
imagining what it would feel like
to have a mother
who made me feel safe.

And the hardest part is
despite all of this,
some part of me
still loves you.